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Top 5 Reasons to Wear a Condom

It happens so often doesn’t it? That age old story. Girl meets boy, boy meets girl. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl and before you know it you’re in your birthday suit, feeling special, feeling wanted, feeling sexy and then it happens. Those dreaded words “I don’t want to wear a condom.” The excuses range from “It doesn’t feel good” to “Trust me, I’ll pull out” to “I’m clean” and if you’re young dumb and full of fun you might even think they seem reasonable. Here are some reasons why they’re not:

Ripe and Ready
Ripe and Ready

1. Condoms are effective at preventing unwanted pregnancies

9 month trial, 18 year sentence
9 month trial, 18 year sentence

Studies show that condoms are 98% effective at stopping those pesky, horribly inconvenient children from popping out of your patooty. This is great news as the average cost of a condom is $0.04 while the average cost of raising a child in the United States is $241,000. In other words, purchasing a bulk pack of 100 condoms is more of an investment than an expense and let’s face it, you’re never going to get through that 100 pack anyway.

2. Condoms are effective at preventing STI’s

I don't your pies and I don't want her pies either
I don’t your pies and I don’t want her pies either

Here are some shocking facts:

  • 1 in 2 sexually active people under the age of 25 will contact an STD and not even know it
  • 3 million Americans contract Chlamydia every year
  • 1 in 5 people have genital herpes
  • This isn’t made up, it’s not a horror film set in a dystopian future where topical creams have been entirely replaces by anal suppositories. It’s here, it’s now and a condom is the best protection short of abstinence.

    3. Condoms ARE enjoyable

    The top of the funberg
    The top of the funberg

    Don’t buy into the bullshit excuse that condoms aren’t fun, that condoms make it so you can’t feel anything. It’s not true. In fact it’s out and out crap. There is a massive range of condoms out there for you to enjoy. Different sizes, shapes, flavors and lubricants. Condoms are a chance to experiment, to spice up your sex life. I guarantee that if you look hard enough you’ll find something that will make him pop and here’s the good news, they’re only going to get BETTER!

    As an aside, a tip from someone who has had sex at least once, dropping some water based lubricant inside the tip of the condom will increase his pleasure. Anyway like my old man once said, compared to not having sex, condoms are amazing.

    4. Condoms are easy to obtain

    ask yo mama
    ask yo mama

    Condoms can be found in convenience stores, gas stations, pharmacies and in a pinch your Mom and Dad’s bedside table. No prescription necessary, you don’t even need to speak to your Doctor about it. They also have the advantage of being cheap. I mean really, really cheap. Honestly, people are literally giving them away. If the Government was smart they’d be paying you to use them. Don’t let the fact that they aren’t stop you from buying a pack anyway.

    5. Condoms don’t have any unwanted or unpleasant side effects

    a party with no balloons is no fun at all
    a party with no balloons is no fun at all

    Yes boys. Female birth control has innumerable side effects. I haven’t met a girl who hasn’t had some form of side effect from birth control methods ranging from the pill to an IUD. Seriously, we’re talking headaches, nausea, mood swings persistent unstoppable bleeding, acne and a lowered libido, which is why your once insatiable minx of a wife/girlfriend/FWB has turned to reading Twilight after a date and not sneakily trying to take your pants off with her teeth.

    Condoms have none of these drawbacks. Unless you’re allergic to latex, in which case you can purchase some non-latex condoms to use instead.

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